so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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