Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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