We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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