his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
FUCK WHALES
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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