i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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