Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
