I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
