I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
