I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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