My cat gives me a boner
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Life is so much better after having sex.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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