You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
