Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
