Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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