My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
