dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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