all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
