I want to walk on stilts...naked
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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