i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
