new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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