Do you still have your period?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
