If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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