good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
