just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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