Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
