Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
