Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
