Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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