My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
