i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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