tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
