Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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