I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
