i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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