I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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