I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
