Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Everything about him screamed your future.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
