I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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