You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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