i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
