im six kinds of drunk right now
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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