"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
