fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
