Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Randomize
