Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
