i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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