I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
