nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
