Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just blew my weed a kiss
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
