the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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