I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
