I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
