If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
