i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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