There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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