she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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