just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
