I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
