this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
