i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I had to cum in my sink.
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