im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
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