I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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